I want that Raccoon

July 28, 2009


There’s a roccoon that lives in the tree outside the front door. I want it. I’m sick of being mocked for my inability to catch anything. There was a time I could fell a seagull. I can still catch flies and that. But I really, really, want that raccoon.

If you’re wondering how a cat from Hull knows what a raccoon is, then it’s because I’ve watched a lot of nature programmes. And not just for the rude stuff. Remember, I have no testiclods.

I suspect, in any case, that the reason I can’t catch the raccoon (or, truth be told, have not even attempted to do so) is because of the proximity of the tree to the porch. Strange things happen on that porch. It makes me feel sleepy. And very, very hungry. The Hippy hangs around there lots, smoking. I know about smoking, but she gets all weird and giggly and I sit there and can’t be arsed to catch the racoon, and then I wander in and eat some biscuits and kick myself (in theory) for not having caught it. Odd. I wonder if it is in any way connected to the Cave Troll? Is it a spell? I know, also, about spells. I’ve seen Harry Potter.

This malaise seems to be gripping everyone except, oddly, The Mushroom. (Oh, and The Baby who just appears to have boundless energy levels, but that’s another story. She started saying a version of my name today. Everyone got so excited about this that they forgot that they are supposed to be stopping her from pulling my fur. In fact, in order to get her to say it again, The Mushroom picked me up, held my paws together in one hand and got me so close to The Baby that she was able to pull my ears. What kind of game is that? Is that even legal?). The Mushroom keeps disappearing for walks. She wraps a long bit of material round her middle, puts The Baby inside it and marches off. What’s that about? I distinctly remember in the days when The Mushroom didn’t look like a mushroom that she didn’t go out at all. In fact, she just kind of stared. It was very disconcerting. But then, so is this marching, especially as everyone else is simply meandering round, looking glazed and eating cookies. Is it because the Cave Troll is related to The Mushroom and The Baby, and thus excempt from his magic?

When I say ‘everyone’ is meandering round looking glazed and eating cookies, what I actually mean is everyone apart from The Mushroom, The Baby, The Cave Troll – who I only see once a day anyway – and my Dad. Although he’s not quite himself either. So really, just The Hippy then. And, er, me.

Sod that raccoon. Can cats eat kitkats?

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