The Truth Will Oot

August 3, 2009


Enough of this tomfoolery, I thought to myself as I awoke this morning, I cannot live in fear of The Cave Troll any longer. Having realised that following The Hippy does not shine any light on the mysterious happenings in the basement, I decided to overcome my fears of having, as The Troll himself put it, my ‘kitty ass kicked’, and watch him like the proverbial hawk all day. That was, however, until I became sidetracked.

Canadians are, I have decided, weird. They go about their human conversations in an entirely different way. The man who lives next door to us, the owner of a nasty she-devil grey cat who is half my size but well scrappy, is a key example.  I was licking myself outside when I overheard this conversation between him, Owner of She-Devil, and The Mushroom:

Owner of She-Devil: You sure carry your baby aboot a lot!

(As an aside, I’d like to point out that yes, yes she does. Like, loads. This has been going on for months. I’m sure by the time I was as old as The Baby I was out catching my own mice and that. Must investigate that more. One thing at a time, though.)

The Mushroom: You should see my arms. I look like some sort of pre-Glasnost Russian shot putter from carrying her so much.

(Pause)

Owner of She-Devil: A pre-Glasnost Russian shot putter?

The Mushroom: Yeah, you know. One of those big Russian Olympians. A bit like I’ve been necking the steroids.

(Owner of She-Devil appears to be examining the shape of The Mushroom’s  upper arm from across the porch)

Owner of She Devil: Have you ever considered, you know, speaking to someone? Cos it seems to me you have very low self esteem. You do not at all look like you’ve been taking steroids.

The Mushroom: Sorry, sorry, I was being facetious. I don’t really think I look like a pre-Glasnost Russian shot putter.

Neighbour: Facetious. Is that an English thing?

The Mushroom: (by this time The Mushroom is looking a tad awkward. Have also never before witnessed  a conversation where the phrase ‘Pre-Glasnost Russian shot putter’ has been uttered at all, let alone with so much frequency). Yes. Yes it is. Sorry.

See? Now, I’m not completely familiar with what a ‘Pre-Glasnost Russian shot putter’ might look like, but even I could spot from the very opening of that conversation that The Mushroom was just ‘being funny’, as she would put it. She uses that phrase all the time, for example, to my Dad; “I’m not being funny but – “, and then has a go at him about something. I don’t know why she has to tell him that she is not ‘being funny’, because it’s apparent and obvious from what she says immediately afterwards that it’s about as funny as a turd in my water bowl, but I suppose this is by the by.

Anyhoo, I was still determined to find out the truth, so down to the basement I went, eventually. Having heard the following noises emanating from the subterranean depths, “Boom Boom BOOOOOOM, Boom Boom BOOOOOOOM”, I realised that whatever magic he was concocting down there was happening right now. So, off I crept like a, erm, cat, and perched in a corner.

The Cave Troll was seated before an immense desk which was semi-circular. The desk was slanted towards him and was covered in lights and knobs and buttons and things. When he touched a switch, the big “Boom Boom BOOOOOOOM” sound came again. He kept doing this, and looking at the screens which were placed at eye level on a separate desk next to the one with lights and stuff, and then pressing the button again and fiddling with something which slightly changed the sound of the ‘booms’. And then, the truth dawned on me.

The Cave Troll is not a ‘magician’. He’s a frigging  ‘musician’.

Feel a bit stupid, to be honest.

Next thing, I’ll find out that The Hippy is not under any sort of spell at all, but is just permanently really, really stoned.

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One Response to “The Truth Will Oot”

  1. Lorie said

    how funny mate,… wish i could write so well…..
    I love the commentary…’we just haven’t bonded her and I’ yeah right. zeebs is a he!!!

    too funny…

    xxx

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