Declaring War

September 13, 2009


The Cave Troll doesn’t speak much. Mostly, he grumbles. Sometimes, he barks. When he does talk, however, it is about one of two things:

a) Music

b) World War II.

The Cave Troll was born during WWII. He was born in Berlin during WWII. He is half German and half Russian. He’s like a walking, bearded, almost talking personification of ‘Operation Barbarossa’. He watches programmes about the war. He plays computer games based on the war. And he talks about the war a lot.

“So, really, Hitler underestimated the power of the Russians”, he says, whilst unwrapping a Werther’s Original, “If that makes sense to you, Zee.”

Of course it makes sense to me. My Dad’s a history teacher. I had to endure him reciting his entire dissertation to me in the early hours of the morning, every morning, for about three months during 2003.  Ask me anything about Russian tanks and how they were deployed and I’d be able to answer, if I had the physical capability. What doesn’t make sense to me is why a 64 year old man is sitting on his sofa, sucking on sugar-free toffees, and telling all this to a cat.

The whole WWII thing is not dissimilar to the situation going on between That Black Dog and I. That Black Dog is invading my territory. This is like Poland. He is coming into my room and he is eating my Iams. For it to end the same way, I would need to get half a dozen grizzly bears and maybe a moose and kick his frizzy tailed ass into next week.

I ruminated on this, as I sat on the bed watching That Black Dog eat my Iams for the fifth time that day, when I noticed him do something new. He drank my water. Now, eating my Iams is bang out of order, but at least The Mushroom replenishes the supply regularly so I don’t ever go hungry. She looks in the bowl, sees there are no Iams, and gives me more. But That Black Dog didn’t finish my water. He just drank some, and went away. She’d never know he’d been anywhere near my water. This is an outrage. What this meant was that the only water available to me until the following day had  been contaminated with That Black Dog’s suspiciously fishy breath. The suspiciously fishy breath of a dog who also drinks water OUT OF THE TOILET BOWL.

I nearly broke out in a sweat of fury, except I didn’t because I am covered in fur. I have spent the day desperately trying to come up with a plan to get my own back on That Black Dog. I’ve tried weeing on his kibble, but he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. I’d poo in his basket, but they’d know it was me as he wouldn’t poo in his own basket and it’s highly unlikely that either The Mushroom or The Baby would poo in it either. I’d leave fur balls in his bed, but he’d  just eat them. I can think of absolutely nothing effective I can do.

Except scratch him when nobody’s looking.

“Hey, Tootsie Roll!”, cries The Hippy as she brushes That Black Dog’s coat, “You’ve been scratched! Hey”, she asks The Mushroom,”Did your cat scratch my dog?”

“No”, says The Mushroom, “The cat fluffs up like the Pink Panther after a shower when he’s within ten yards of the dog. He’s hardly going to scratch him. He must have done it himself.”

Nice one, Mushroom. I’m not saying that’s what I did. I’ve no idea how he got those two little scratch marks on his ears. Nor do I have any idea why he appears to be avoiding me. All I know, is that for the first time in a while I’ve been able to watch a bit of telly in the evening, happily perched on an armchair, without worrying about where That Black Dog is.

I’m not sure that this is a brilliant long term solution. It is all dependent on That Black Dog not realising he is about nine times my size with teeth the size of my paws. Should he, say, pass a mirror, I am a teeny bit screwed. In the meantime, however, much sport is to be had by sitting on the sofa, perched above him as he lies on the floor, having a swipe and then doing a runner. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of it before.

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One Response to “Declaring War”

  1. hayley said

    Werthers Originals are sugar free??? Who knew? x

    PS I love Zeebling more and more with each post.
    PPS I do have a pic for you, have had it for ages but I need to get Ant to scan it because I don’t have the software.

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