Doing My Research

September 22, 2009


I have discovered a new internet phenomenon which is almost as good as Wikipedia. Skype. It’s brilliant. It means that my Dad and The Mushroom, as they currently can’t speak in person, can speak on the internet, mostly, it would seem, about me.

“So, I was thinking of flying out without Zeebs, and he can be shipped out when we’re settled”, The Mushroom says to my Dad.

Shipped? SHIPPED? What am I, a case of wine?

“No, bring Zeebs with you.”, replies my Dad.

“I can’t take the cat and The Baby.”, says The Mushroom.

“Yes, you can.”

“No, I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, love, I can’t.”

“Yes, darl, you can.”

See? Skype is brilliant. The two of them would really struggle if they didn’t get to have conversations like this.

“No, I can’t”, continues The Mushroom, “Because I am not an octopus. I cannot carry The Baby, the cat and my carry on luggage.”

“Just check the cat in with your suitcases.”

At this point my ears prick up. I remember what happened the last time I was ‘checked in with the suitcases’. Fourteen hours next to a frigging German Shepard called Dolly is what happened.

Anyhoo, it would appear moving time is approaching.  I suppose it is quite exciting, if one doesn’t think too much about Coyotes or Moose or Wolves or Bears or Giant Eagles or anything else that might live on The Prairies and eat cats. Must check on Wikipedia, actually, to see a) how many of these do actually live on The Prairies and b) which of those that do are likely to want to eat a cat.  Once armed with this information, I shall endeavour to take steps to avoid being eaten. I know, for example, that if I were ever attacked by a crocodile I should run in a zig zag which apparently means it can’t see you. Whilst this may seem like a useless piece of information to you, if one looks at recent events it would appear that my Dad is attempting to live in every possible geographical environment, and I have no idea if ‘Amazonian Swamp’ is on his to do list.  Could be.

It has dawned on me that I know very little about Saskatchewan, except what I have heard in conversation here, and that has come mostly from what ‘Session Musicians’ and The Cave Troll have said about it.

“They say”, says The Cave Troll over breakfast one morning, ‘That if your dog runs away in Saskatchewan, you can see it run for three days. Ahahahaahaahaa!”

The Mushroom looks at him, slowly stirring her muesli type grainy breakfast and looking singularly unimpressed. “What?”

“It’s flat. Girl, it’s unbelievably flat.”

Flat is good. Flat means that I will be able to see Coyotes, Moose, Wolves, Bears and Giant Eagles from a distance and then get the frig back inside.

“So, you’re moving to Saskatchewan?”, asks Guitarist Who Wears Sunglasses Indoors of The Mushroom later that day, who nods in the affirmative. “Yeah. S-a-a-aska-a-a-a-a-atchewa-a-a-a-a-a-a-an”, he drawls, whilst rolling a suspicious looking cigarette. “Fulla Ukrainians.”

“I beg your pardon?”, asks The Mushroom, whilst The Baby appears to be trying to pull lumps out of her hair.

“Ukrainians. Fulla Ukrainians. Every one of ’em. It’s entirely, entirely Ukrainian.  Yeah. Sa-a-a-a-aska-a-a-a-a-thchew-a-a-a-a-an. Yeah.”

What? ‘Fulla Ukrainians’? Now, this is what I know: I know that Saskatchewan was pretty much founded by Ukrainian immigrants (Source: Wikipedia). I know that several families came over from The Ukraine and built the farms and stuff (Source: Wikipedia). I also know that this was in 1892. Ergo, for Saskatchewan to be ‘entirely Ukrainian’ there would need to have been a steady influx of Ukrainian immigrants into the area until present day. There has not been such a thing. Which means, that for Saskatchewan to be ‘entirely Ukrainian’, it must have suffered the same fate as cocker spaniels and everyone in Saskatchewan is related.

Now, I’ve seen what having your siblings as parents can do to a cocker spaniel. It isn’t pretty. This I cannot see in anywhere near as positive a light as it being flat.

I suspect the truth is that they are not all Ukrainian. If it were, surely Guitarist Who Wears Sunglasses Indoors would not have said it is ‘entirely Ukrainian’ but would, instead, have said, ‘full of people with fins’, or, ‘full of people withe webbed hands and toes and a third leg’. Perhaps I shouldn’t really have spent so long attempting to verify something a man who weighs less than me and clearly takes a lot of drugs said.

In any case, we’re going, because that’s where my Dad is. The Mushroom misses him. The Baby misses him. I miss him. The Cave Troll misses him too, but he’s not coming with us.

In fact, I caught The Mushroom, after The Baby had gone to bed, smiling at a photograph of my Dad. She was sufficiently preoccupied for me to use it as an opportunity to quickly check on Wikipedia and find out if there really are Coyotes and Moose and Wolves and Bears and Giant Eagles in Saskatchewan. And yes. Yes there are. Oh, and there are also frigging Cougars. Arse.

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One Response to “Doing My Research”

  1. Shane O'Hagan said

    Yeah, Skype is awesome, but is it as awesome as Hark! A Vangard? (http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=209)

    It has the Pope. Pope John Paul. The Second. Aww jeah.

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