The Very Edge of Reason

March 2, 2010


There were sighs of relief all round when Enthusiastic Teacher returned and collected ‘Bijou’ from her little holiday in the basement. And what fun she had had, beating up Fluffy Usurper and stealing my kitty treats. This fun lasted half the week, until the Wednesday, when she decided to mix it up a little and start having sex with her brother.

I don’t think anybody wants to be woken up by other people, or other cats, having sex. I think that even if you were the kind of person who quite digged the idea, the fact that they are kittens, and brother and sister kittens, should make even the most ardent pervert squirm slightly. My Dad and The Mushroom are no exception, and being awoken by it happening pretty much on my Dad’s legs at two in the morning is particularly anti-social. Perhaps it is not anti-social, perhaps it is too social. Anyway, The Baby and I were woken up pretty much then too, by The Mushroom making this sound:

“Eurghhhhhhghghghgh!”

and then shouting something that sounded like this:

“Dirtylittlefeckingferalfuckers!”

Meanwhile, my Dad had leapt in the shower.

“Are you okay?”The Mushroom shouted through the bathroom door.

“No! I’m covered in cat love!” came the reply.

The discovery was not discussed at length until the morning, when ‘Bijou’ and Fluffy Usurper were separated by several doors.

“But they’re brother and sister! And they’re only five months old!” exclaimed The Mushroom, looking at Fluffy Usurper as he slowly and luxuriously groomed himself , like some small, hirsute, pointy-eared Lothario.

“Yeah,” replied my Dad, “Not so big an issue in Cat World.”

‘Bijou’ several rooms away, howled in wanton lust.

“Slapper.” said The Mushroom.

Enthusiastic Teacher looked less than enthusiastic about the news that his cute fluffy kitten was actually a total slut monkey, and murmured something about ‘imitating sex’, because surely they were too young. The Mushroom nodded sagely, whilst my Dad sniggered softly in the corner. We know the truth.

This is all very curious for me. Now, I know about mating. I know how it is necessary, and that this is how little cats – and, by all accounts, people – are made. But I don’t want to. I wonder if I used to want to, when I was small, and had my testiclods? I can’t remember. I do know, though, that it just seems terribly messy, and cats don’t like to get messy, and it’s also not very dignified. I wonder what it feels like to want to do something so very much that you’ll do it even though it goes against your nature?

This period of Jean-Paul Sartre-esque pondering lasted right up to the moment that Fluffy Usurper decided that having sex with his sister had been so much fun, he might as well have a go at mounting me. And that, in case anyone ever wonders, is why Fluffy Usurper now has a tiny chunk missing out of his ear. Bastard.

There is, at least where The Mushroom is concerned, something even worse than an incestuous, bisexual kitten roaming around your homestead. If you want to see a stay at home mother, living in the middle of the Canadian Prairies, melt down, turn off her internet connection for 24 hours.

“Why have you got your coat on? Where are you going?” asked my Dad as he was greeted by the sight of a wild-haired, wide-eyed – but coated – Mushroom and a slightly bemused looking – and also coated – Baby.

“Shop. Need laptop. Hurry.”

“What? Can I get a cup of tea? I’ve just got in-”

“No time. Shop. Laptop. Laptop broke. Need new laptop. Hurry.” she stuttered.

My Dad knew not to argue, and off they went. Have to say, I was mightily relieved too, as I have only just discovered a website that is even better than Wikipedia, and even better than Skype – youtube.

Youtube is amazing. Everything is on it. Want to see a baby doing an impression of Al Capone? It’s on it. Want to see drunken old ladies fall over dancing and show their knickers, much to the hilarity of the people watching? Hundreds of ’em. Want to see a lion being eaten by a traffic warden? It’s on it too (actually, it might not be. I haven’t checked). I’m spending hours of my nights watching video clips of the ‘world’s funniest cats’. It’s frigging brilliant, and takes the edge off the fact that I haven’t been outside for four months.

This, however, is not what The Mushroom uses it for.

“So how are you today?” asked The Mushroom’s mother via Skype.

“I dreamt last night it was Spring.” she replied.

“It isn’t, though, is it, love.” said her mother.

The Mushroom sighed. “No.”

And with that, The Mushroom returned to singing ‘Do Your Ears Hang Low?’, this week, in the style of the musical, ‘Chicago’, whilst we all quietly dream of green buds and shoots and maybe, maybe, some grass.

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One Response to “The Very Edge of Reason”

  1. deb said

    Brilliant and too hysterically comedic.

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